Camp Town Songs

My 3 year old granddaughter and I just got back from a 4th of July camp-out. Oh what fun we had! We set up our own tent amid the campers and RV's and tents and Teenagers! "The Bean" loves teenagers, she thinks they are all her brothers or sisters. My oldest sister who lives close by and always has something fun going on, does a great camp out every year and all of her grand-kids arrive for the event.

They come from Vermont and Arizona and California and really just can't wait to have that special week with their cousins and siblings. The problem is most of them are older, I think a little one shows up for a day but the majority of them are now teens. So The Bean was in heaven, and the teenagers were really really good to have around! She swam with them hiked with them, even played football with them. I was really impressed at how wonderful the big ones treated her.

They slowed down and carried her when she got tired. and looked at the frog she found. When you think the world is all mean and rough it takes a week with some truly awesome well behaved (not perfect by a long shot) but really loving happy well adjusted teenagers.

The Bean learned some camp songs that she now is practicing often to the top of her lungs, what a joyful sound it is. She wanted to go play with a paint gun today but had to pass, so the two of us went to the park and sang our camp songs and she taught them to other small kids who were glad to learn.

I have decided that you will find the joy; all you have to do is look. Tomorrow morning my little sweetie goes back to Mom until we get our time together again. I will search for great things to do, most of them will be in my living room or kitchen, but honestly having time to spend with her is the best Joy.

Here is my granddaughter getting a ride on the back of a motorcycle,The driver is a really cute "Biker Dude" who just happens to be her Cousin, or second cousin, or... Well time for this Grammy to take a genealogy class to learn the specifics.

Turn Left or Right~ The Road Ends Ahead!

The road ahead is ending, so you have to turn! UGH, why do I always manage to find the roads that come to such an abrupt end?

The scratches healed, the cat survived and my granddaughter went home to Momma. So now all is quiet and I am missing her! It is so funny how I am; when I am in the middle of it I have a hard time feeling the appreciation of it all, but when I take a step back, and miss, then it finally comes into sharp focus and I realize how much I do appreciate even the trials in life.

Now that time has settled down and company is gone, I am going to sit down and try to figure out a few things.

Where do I want to live? Who do I want to live with, and does it have to be so darn complicated? No it doesn't, I am the one making it that way, I have to just be still and wait. I will wait for the right moment to tell me which direction to go in. I will wait for a sign that tells me "this is good" and until I get that sign I am just going to keep doing what I am doing now.

There is never a reason for a sudden or abrupt move, I can just let it perk, let is simmer and slowly it will be the right direction. My biggest problem with life is I have always been in a hurry; rushing to and fro, trying to do the right thing, be in the right spot, wear the right clothes, have the right job. It is overwhelming always searching for correctness~ So this is my goal today, right now, as of this moment in time I am going to just let it come to me. Enjoying each and every moment of my life as it unfolds. Smile, big wide happy smile. I will not worry about the fork in the road or the dead end street, not a problem. Today I am just going to walk down that street looking at the flowers and the birds. Seeing life, seeing my life and my joy and my happiness all around me. It is a joyous time it is a good time and The road up ahead will be there when I get to it!

Summer Time Giggles, Quilts and Running

Life can get crazy at times, I mean really really crazy, and when it does I have to stop, and take a look around for a giggle. Sometimes when I am looking for a giggle I go to the greeting card section at any drug store, grocery store or mega conglomeration world dominated store~ Whatever~ But I will just start reading the cards, I start in the humors section and get my fill of giggles. Cards help us make fun at ourselves and loved ones, on the art of growing older, getting married, retiring, having babies, graduation, and any other of many reasons to celebrate and send a card!

My favorite ones are the silly pictures of dogs, cats, monkeys, zebras, elephants, etc doing human things! A good laugh at just the picture; or, imagining the work that goes into taking the picture can give me a good laugh! I also love Maxine, she is a kick, talk about growing old gracefully, NOT.

Yesterday I was at a mega store laughing out loud! Seriously out loud, and a man peeks his head around the corner, and said" We have got to stop meeting like this" I was slightly embarrassed, but had to laugh, I had seen him at the same spot just a week earlier. I think he is on to me and my pep talks to myself as I search out my inner joy on days when it is hard to find!

Well I suppose it could be worse he could find me at the local Pub drowning my sorrows. I am so glad that my joy is with me, even if I do have a small search on occasion.

So the reason for my search for the giggles is getting back up on the "Running horse" no not literally, but I am back to my running joy. I have been reaching burnout stage on the quilting and with summer here it is really time for me to get back up and run again. I have been looking through my marathon training stuff and thought it is time for a half marathon. I have not found the one I want to run yet, but I am going to start training. I think early to mid fall, I will keep looking as I get in shape for it.

Quilting will continue but I think the fresh air focus is going to be good. In honor of it I am working on designing a runners quilt block with giggles in mind!

happy giggles to you, Marybeth

Love is Joy, Just spend time with a 3 year old

I have been spending time with my granddaughter, really spending time with her. It is amazing how much joy I have found. Today we played super hero's. I had no idea how to play and she told me, "just let you hero go Grammy" Wow what a jolt of reality! Just let my hero go! So I had the best time making my super hero, "Shampoo Man" into the greatest hero of all time! And his side kick Conditioner girl! We laughed, you know that baby belly laugh that kids can do! It was amazing and then she wanted to snuggle and brush my hair and I brushed her hair. We just had such a great time!

Tomorrow I go back home to adult things, sewing deadlines and adults, sometimes angry with out even knowing why! I will take with me my Super Hero and his sidekick, to try and keep the innocent joy of love and the ability to let go of all the "stuff" that manages to clog down my day.

My poor little Granddaughter is going through a really really tough time in her young life, her dad dropped out of the picture, with out notice or warning, well at least to her. She does not understand. Her Momma has lots of things to work through, like bills and jobs and day care! It is a very tough time for all, but I know the importance of Keeping the super hero close at hand, to let him clean out all of the "dirt" that keeps our joy hidden, and our love buried.

My Daughter is smart, she will over come, she is a good Momma, her daughter loves her very much and reminds her to play, I am hopeful. I talk to her and tell her it will get better, life will move on, just keep the heart of a 3 year old and keep the joy close at hand, the rest will work it's self out.

So get off the computer and go play and learn to find joy, at least for the rest of the day~

The Middle Age Squeeze

I am at a point in my life where I just want to scream! I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going person who mostly likes to please people. But for Gods sake when do I stop! I am frustrated, and I am frustrated with myself most of all! I want to have it work out nice for everyone. But it is not happening!

For right now I am living close to My Mom and closer to My Daughter, hoping that I can help.

My problem started when I though it was some how my responsibility to make others happy! But I think a lot of people are sad because they want to be.

My Mom is a bitch, plain and simple, she always has been and always will be. It is not now, nor has it every been; or ever will be, my responsibility to make her any nicer! Wow that feels good to get that off my chest!  Why do we feel that we have to fix someone else? Why do I try to make her nicer? Is it so I can feel better about me, as a daughter? I think that many of the relationships I have had with other women in my life have been colored by the one that never would be right and that is the one with my Mom.

I have a lot of very good female friends, the best friends have always been ones that are older, more together and secure in who they are. They all have talents that are strong and confident. They mentor me into becoming a better person.  My very good friend Leanne is just a perfect case in point. She is beautiful and smart and kind and loving and very talented. She is a quilter who is always helpful and kind in teaching me new skills. If I ever have a question or concern she is available to help me at any time.  So I have a good grasp of being able to replace that what is lacking in my world because of a mother who is not available. My sister is another good example of a strong woman who is together and talented. She is also a very good friend and when I see what my Mom does to her it really makes me furious.

My daughter is in Washington and we see each other a lot more than we did when I was in California. I watch my Granddaughter about one week a month helping defray some of the day care costs. It is great to see my granddaughter so often. She is 3 and it is so hard to watch her grow up from long distance! It is really wonderful to be part of her life rather than sitting on the side lines.

My daughter is looking for the great answer in life to make it all better. No matter how many times I try and tell her you have to make your own happiness where you are, she doesn't find it. She is sad and depressed and needing to be rescued. So I try, futile as it is I try! I am a co-dependent, I  find myself trying to always help. I am searching for the boundaries to keep from helping too much to keep her from recovering from her own situation. I want to be that good Mom that is there for her, (unlike my own mother who was never there for me)  how much of my life do I put into helping her get back on her feet? How far to step out on that limb before it breaks and leaves me in the wrong? Do I let her fall and take her precious 3 year old with her? Do I reach deep down inside me and give like there is unlimited giving inside of me...

So I am in the middle of the "squeeze" because I put myself here and don't know how to back away.  There is nothing for me to fix in anyone else's life!!! EVER I can never ever ever fix anyone else. And this is my lesson to learn today! I really want to learn it so I can go on to the next lesson.

Joy is right here right now and I need to take care of my joy first and foremost. It reminds me of the flight attendant that says you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, because you can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first!

Ungratefulness, Venting it out

I have been thinking about this subject a lot! Maybe a little in the same vein as having a teenager who doesn't know how to say thank you to Aunt Sally for a birthday gift, but more about the new way that seems to be taking over every aspect of our life. Do we have so much that we are no longer thankful for the little gifts and niceties we are given? Have we forgot to say thank you to Grandma for watching the kids. Have we forgot the Thank you when someone does something nice for us just out of the goodness of doing good?

You see it in the attitude of people who get everything they want without having to work for it. When I was young and wanted a pair of roller skates I asked my Dad if I could have a pair for my birthday or Christmas or some such gift giving event. He gave me some advice that I still remember. I was about 10 or 11 years old and he told me "If you work for them and earn the money, they will mean more to you than if somebody else bought them!" I don't think I knew exactly what he meant back then, but I know what he means now. I got a job picking blackberries for 20 cents a crate, it was hard work, getting stickers and stained hands, not to mention the many fights with my brothers and sisters. But I earned enough money to buy my own roller skates.

There were 8 kids in my family and money does not stretch very far across that number, so to help in any way was something special to me. We loved to go skating at the local roller rink, and did it often. I don't know why but it is one of my favorite memories of my early preteen years, just before my parents divorced and life changed. When we would go roller skating and I was able to save 25 cents every time because I had my own skates I felt wonderful and I loved those skates. I would polish them up after every use and put them back in the box to wait for the next time! The skates really did become part of feeling good, being grateful for not only getting something, but saving something, because of my own hard work.

Often times I see people receive a gift and never acknowledge the work that went into the giving of it. Why is it that way? why is the more we have the more we expect? Not just money, but time.  If I spent 40 hours of my time making something for you that is from my heart, should I not expect the kindness of gratefulness?

I asked my husband if I am wrong in the expectation of the thanks, or if I am wrong in whom I give my gifts to. Do we have too much stuff? are we overly blessed that we become ungrateful? When I am working on a project he will ask what I am making, and who is it for? Some times he might comment and say "maybe you should make it to sell instead?" Do I have a built in guide to let me know when I am stepping over the line into the territory of "Ungrateful recipient" and not even know it?

Our favorite pastime is to go to second hand stores looking for the great bargains. There are sometimes things that are really awesome at second hand stores, brand new things, never used, never loved, so many in fact it makes me think that a lot of gifts are thrown out and never appreciated.

Thinking back over my own life on some of my ungrateful moments, I have to admit, I never gave the giver the due thanks. I remember getting a handmade vest or scarf from a relative who had a different sense of style than my own. I do remember a reaction that might not have been filled with appreciation. It is long ago to late to change the outcome of that event.

I suppose the whole thing keeps the economy going and the unappreciated items become another man's treasure. If working this formula out in my mind makes some of the disappointments more palatable, I have not wasted my time.  So being a generous person should come from the heart. Enjoy the giving without expecting anything in return, even a Thank you. 

As well,"To be a better steward of ones time and money", might be a good bit of advice to follow. Just as I learned so much in earning my own skates, maybe I will have to stop taking away someone's ability to earn their own skates!

The Running Quilter

I feel great, finally I am back on my training schedule and getting ready for the distance, but my mind is still wondering 'Why do I continue to run'? I am not fast, there are people much faster than I, so we know I am not trying to set any world records. I know I do it for myself, as well as to raise money for research  for cancer.

To say that I run to help those that can't is really a stretch of the imagination. I even thought it was a stretch when I was working with a team and had all the coaches telling me it constantly. It is hard for me to compare having a choice to  run in the morning , To chemo, radiation or painful medical procedures!  It is honestly a slap in the face to the person who is going through a life threatening illness to say I am doing it for them. I think it alleviates the guilt, doing something, anything when it feels like there is really nothing to do. And since it can raise money, by getting donations to help with research financing and as in breast cancer, provide testing for those who can't afford it! So in some obscure way it is true. I run because they can't.

But really deep down inside why do I run? I do it because when I run I feel! I feel pain with my body reaching further than it did before, it is a good pain (at least that is the goal, bad pain is the obstacle) I love the time I am out running where I can clear my mind of other things, often times I work out problems, and find simple solutions. Sometimes all I do is just enjoy the senses around me, the smell of the early morning dew, the sight of the mist rising up off the lake, or the young father fishing with his child.  There are so many things to look at to feel and to enjoy when it is just you and your thoughts.

I remember the conversation I had with my son when I first started thinking about running long distances, he asked me if I had any idea what was involved, and well I really did not. I have ran a lot in my life for various reasons, to get in shape, to stay in shape, to get somewhere faster! I have enjoyed it over the years, I remember when I was a kid, someone encouraged me to run track and field and I was good at it! I was a quick little sprinter, life happened and it was no longer a priority for me. Fast forward about 40 years give or take a year or two. I found my self pushing 50 out of shape, out of sync with life, just existing not really living. Challenged by my son who told me I could not do it!  Ha, whether or not he did it because he knows I am challenge motivated or he seriously thought I could not do it, still remains to be seen. Now that I have 5 marathons to my name he swears it was to motivate me!

I am now 56, and knowing that the years are adding up faster than I can imagine doesn't help. But I am still working on that next run, getting ready to beat my own fastest time.   My nephew says I do it because I like to brag and be known as the runner in my circle of friends who have a hard time walking enough to get their grocery shopping done. I suppose there is truth in that statement too, there is a satisfaction knowing that I can still shock some when they find out I run 26.2 miles, and at my age! and yeah sometimes I remind myself, I get a kick out of the fact that I just can!

I am also a seamstress, a quilter, a creator of clothing recycled from discarded and unused items, brought back to life to be used again. As a seamstress I love to sew and create at night when the rest of the world is sleeping; The night owl in me is enjoying the quiet house where sewing comes easy to me, often times staying up until the break of dawn.

Which brings me to the heart of my dilemma; the runner, who loves getting up real early in the morning before the rest of the world starts moving very much has a problem with the quilter taking up all my sleep time! Now if I did not need to sleep there would be no problem, I could sew all night then just as the sun started to crest the hill I could get out and run. But to run a marathon one needs sleep, lots of sleep and if I were to sew all night, run my distances necessary to qualify me for being ready to run a marathon, I would have to sleep for about 8 hours in the middle of the day! Or more likely than not, pass out while I was trying to run on no sleep,

Since I started training again 6 months ago I have tried every combination of sleep - sewing - running, to get the maximum number of hours and also have plenty of time to do the other tasks that need to be done in a day( thankfully I have the most wonderful husband who is amazingly able and willing to do most of the household tasks; cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.  it is a easier problem. But there is still a problem, but for now the solution is I sew until 11:30 stop and get ready for bed so hopefully I am asleep by midnight, then up at 6am out the door to run 4 days a week. Three days are small short 5 miles or less runs, one day a week I put in some serious miles right now I am between 16 and 20, each week adding more until I have ran 30 miles (well my goal is 30 but to be honest really the longest pre-marathon miles has been around 20-22 miles. I want to run more miles than the marathon because I think that is how I am going to break my barrier to beating my goal.) After my run take my shower, unwind maybe take a nap, get other "Chores" out of the way and start sewing around 1PM. this schedule is working, well it is mostly working, but I have days where my concentration is so great on my running that I have a hard time changing gears to accomplish my sewing goals, which usually means getting my customers orders out in a timely manner. But for now it is working, with the Marathon the first week in November and the Christmas rush for the sewing pretty much the same time period, we will see how well I do managing my time for both loves.

Well thanks for stopping by, lets see how well I have managed the second week of November!