I am at a point in my life where I just want to scream! I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going person who mostly likes to please people. But for Gods sake when do I stop! I am frustrated, and I am frustrated with myself most of all! I want to have it work out nice for everyone. But it is not happening!
For right now I am living close to My Mom and closer to My Daughter, hoping that I can help.
My problem started when I though it was some how my responsibility to make others happy! But I think a lot of people are sad because they want to be.
My Mom is a bitch, plain and simple, she always has been and always will be. It is not now, nor has it every been; or ever will be, my responsibility to make her any nicer! Wow that feels good to get that off my chest! Why do we feel that we have to fix someone else? Why do I try to make her nicer? Is it so I can feel better about me, as a daughter? I think that many of the relationships I have had with other women in my life have been colored by the one that never would be right and that is the one with my Mom.
I have a lot of very good female friends, the best friends have always been ones that are older, more together and secure in who they are. They all have talents that are strong and confident. They mentor me into becoming a better person. My very good friend Leanne is just a perfect case in point. She is beautiful and smart and kind and loving and very talented. She is a quilter who is always helpful and kind in teaching me new skills. If I ever have a question or concern she is available to help me at any time. So I have a good grasp of being able to replace that what is lacking in my world because of a mother who is not available. My sister is another good example of a strong woman who is together and talented. She is also a very good friend and when I see what my Mom does to her it really makes me furious.
My daughter is in Washington and we see each other a lot more than we did when I was in California. I watch my Granddaughter about one week a month helping defray some of the day care costs. It is great to see my granddaughter so often. She is 3 and it is so hard to watch her grow up from long distance! It is really wonderful to be part of her life rather than sitting on the side lines.
My daughter is looking for the great answer in life to make it all better. No matter how many times I try and tell her you have to make your own happiness where you are, she doesn't find it. She is sad and depressed and needing to be rescued. So I try, futile as it is I try! I am a co-dependent, I find myself trying to always help. I am searching for the boundaries to keep from helping too much to keep her from recovering from her own situation. I want to be that good Mom that is there for her, (unlike my own mother who was never there for me) how much of my life do I put into helping her get back on her feet? How far to step out on that limb before it breaks and leaves me in the wrong? Do I let her fall and take her precious 3 year old with her? Do I reach deep down inside me and give like there is unlimited giving inside of me...
So I am in the middle of the "squeeze" because I put myself here and don't know how to back away. There is nothing for me to fix in anyone else's life!!! EVER I can never ever ever fix anyone else. And this is my lesson to learn today! I really want to learn it so I can go on to the next lesson.
Joy is right here right now and I need to take care of my joy first and foremost. It reminds me of the flight attendant that says you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, because you can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first!
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